Sunday, May 9, 2010

Divine Comedy

Sometimes, people say funny things at church. That's not the reason I attend, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

Today was Mother's Day, a day that is extremely important to me as a religious man, because of the particularly high risk that nobody will say anything that I care about.

They'll care about it, no doubt. They may even cry while telling a story that they themselves selected to share publicly in front of hundreds of people. (I'll be taking your man-card now, thank you very much.)

But I digress.

Here are some things that I heard (or thought I heard) today at church:

"I'd like to recognize my mother for all the help she's given me on this special Mother's Day."

"There are many ways to leave this life, but only one way to enter it, and we all have our mothers to thank for that."1

"There are mothers in this congregation who have lost children to disease or abstinence."2

"I think you should make children feel stupid when they give the right answer. It encourages them to try harder."3

I sort of wasn't listening during Sunday School, or I'm quite certain I'd have more ammunition.

Love you, Mom!

1 Thank you, Mom, for thinking of so many ways to forcibly remove me from this life.
2 Turns out he said "accidents." Now there's a cluster of churchgoing Christians who think I'm a bad person for laughing about children dying.
3 I kind of wish I could take credit for this one myself. Kind of a lot.