Thursday, December 31, 2009

Fixed in my Mind with a Determined Resolution

This post is brought to you by a killer headache and sore throat, Classic Sinatra: 1953-1960, and Alma 47:6.

I’ve never before kept a New Year’s resolution for longer than a few months. To be fair to me (which I have half a mind to do), that’s because I was reaching for the stars (write a best-selling novel, read my scriptures for 15 minutes daily, be nice to my sister, etc.).

This past year, I wanted a successful resolution to hang my hat on, so I resolved to create one. As a result, my two New Year’s Resolutions for 2009 were simple:

1) No hamburgers at all, and
2) Soft drinks only every other week.

I’m proud to announce that I haven’t had a hamburger all year! I didn’t even eat one when my sister picked me up from the airport with a Sonic burger with my name on it. It may have been rude of me to refuse, but then again, that particular resolution never stuck.

I’m also proud, though slightly less so (see “Caveats and Addendums” below), to announce that I kept to my soft drink reduction resolution so well that I forgot for months at a time that I was allowed to drink it.

Bottom line: Victory is mine!1

Caveats and Addendums: I ate at Taco Bell2 a good amount at the beginning of the year to make up for the lack of processed beef in my diet3. I understand if you think that means I was cheating. However, I haven’t had any since September. Now, that’s change you can believe in.

I occasionally binged on soda. Like the week where I drank three 2-liter bottles of ginger ale (no regrets!), or the week where I finished off three six-packs of off-brand fruit-flavored sodas. But those were only two belly-bursting, acid-reflux-inducing weeks, and they fit quite conveniently into the letter of my law.

Also, I may or may not have cooked up eight strips of bacon all for myself on two separate occasions. Within the same month.

Conclusion: If you’re going to make New Year’s Resolutions, make sure to include a “gimme”. Like being nice to your sister.6

1 Dang it, YouTube! Where are your 3 second clips of Stewie claiming victory?!?
2 Mmmmmmm. Cheesy double beef burrito. A whole artery meal for 99 cents!
3 Why outlaw hamburgers and not Taco Bell, you ask? Well, first of all, I wanted to live through the year, not kill myself out of frustration mid-March. Second, at The Border, I can more easily control my portions with their scrumptious value menu. Hamburgers, on the other hand, come with fries and a soft drink. At many places (Red Robin, Whataburger, Mighty Fine, etc.) those burgers are too big all by themselves, and at Red Robin (I love you dearly!), you get unlimited fries. Unlimited. Fries. I always eat myself into a Royal Red Robin Burger coma. So, the true evil is in hamburgers, not in my complete lack of self-control.
4 Yes, Jason Crandall, you inspired my hamburger resolution.
5 Looking for the notation for footnote 4 in the blog? Yeah, it’s not there.
6 If you’re an only child.